Communication
A mother’s journey with her daughter’s substance abuse and mental health disorders.
One of our first CRAFT Connect sessions was on Communication. I was eager for tips on how to open communication with my daughter so that she would reach out instead of resorting to self-harm or substance abuse when depressed or anxious. With some quick tips, I was sure she would be willing to open up. But reality was more complex than that.
There are three components to Communication skills training in CRAFT:
● PIUS Communication skills as to how we talk
● Reflective listening as to how we truly listen
● Validation skills that help bridge and balance how much talking vs listening we do
In CRAFT, each session includes a Learn section. As the session begins, the facilitator asks participants to read small sections, which brings all voices into the group in a non-threatening way. For the Communications session, the first reading included:
“...For many of us, communication is negative and filled with strong emotions. Chances are we have years of nagging, pleading, and threatening trying to get our loved one to stop unwanted behaviors, including their addiction. And chances are it hasn’t worked. Oftentime the way we interact brings about the very behavior we are trying to stop.”
Gulp. They had me at the last sentence. “The way we interact brings about the very behavior…” that I wish would change.
In these sessions, I began to face that when I talk with my daughter, I often react from my fear and immediately jump into problem-solving mode. This usually means that I do all the talking and my daughter clams up. Through CRAFT, I have begun to see things from her perspective. I have taken leaps of faith that she rarely needs my “fear and fix” approach. She mostly needs empathy, validation, and demonstration that we love and support her.
The Communication session introduces PIUS skills -- Positive statements that begin with I, show Understanding, and authentically communicate your willingness to Share responsibility in the situation. In CRAFT, I made a commitment to practice these skills. The facilitators encouraged us to think through the types of interactions that are frustrating or negative. In a calm place, we can draft out the PIUS statements and be prepared for high-emotion moments.
One of the most powerful techniques for me is to STOP and PAUSE. When a triggering moment arises, STOP and PAUSE provides a moment to ground myself and reflect rather than immediately react. I may not remember a specific PIUS statement I’ve drafted, but I find myself saying “Wait! I’ve prepared for this.” I can start from there rather than reacting to the situation.
Through CRAFT, I find simple steps to evolve my communication into a non-judgemental and loving way to connect. It isn’t an overnight change, but rather a practice. Some conversations are better than others. But, a year later, I can see the impact of practicing PIUS communication in my interactions with all of my family members. And, for that, I am grateful.