Reflective Listening
A mother’s journey with her daughter’s substance abuse and mental health disorders.
Building better communication skills are a key element in learning to support loved ones struggling with substance abuse and behavioral health issues. There are three components to Communication skills training in CRAFT Connect:
● PIUS Communication skills as to how we talk
● Reflective Listening as to how we truly listen
● Validation skills that help bridge and balance how much talking vs listening we do
CRAFT Connect has been my first introduction to Reflective Listening as a skill set, which helps us learn to:
● Listen to what someone says.
● Reflect their words back to them.
● Observe and listen more to verify the accuracy of your reflective statement
In my CRAFT Connect journey, I have come to understand the importance of listening to learn the perspective and point of view of my loved one. I have come to see how often I listen with my mind already focused on what I think or want my loved one to do next.
CRAFT Connect has helped me recognize how judgmental I am. I can now see that my eagerness to “help by fixing” starts with my judgement of what my loved one needs to do. And, I am coming to terms with the fact that the desire to “fix” is actually a way to protect me from my own fear.
By using CRAFT Connect skills, I am able to flip situations around to reflect on what it feels like when my loved one comes to me for comfort and support -- and instead receives action, judgement, and urgency to change and move on.
Reflective Listening is a path to changing that dynamic. In a CRAFT Connect Family Support Group session, we watched a Brene Brown video on Empathy. While these may not be Brene’s words exactly, my notes from that session state that empathy is feeling with people, of taking their perspective, of staying with them. That in order to connect with my loved one, I have to connect with my own feelings.
By practicing Reflective Listening, I find ways to lay down my own desire to tell others what they should do to move on. Through the power of PAUSE, I can stay with my loved one. Seek to understand her perspective. Be aware of my own feelings that cause me to want to shirk away from or gloss over their feelings.
As with all aspects of CRAFT Connect, this is not a simple “I used to be bad at it and how I’m good”. This is a daily practice. It requires being okay when I don’t use the skills as best as I could, and acknowledging when I revert back to pre-CRAFT Connect skills. It requires coming back and saying, “I realize that I didn’t stick with you as well as I could. Can we try again?”
When a triggering moment arises, if I STOP and PAUSE, I remember that my only job is to listen. Listen to truly learn the perspective of my loved one, giving myself permission to lay down the “act and fix” tools, and just listen.