The Nana Letters
Recorded January 2, 2021.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Narrator
July 29th, 2014
(Big silence after reading the date. Then the reader sighs heavily, speaking slowly and in a distant, somber tone. Pauses in between each paragraph)
I’m sitting alone in your room, Nana. I look around, knowing you’ll never step foot in here ever again. The thought alone is enough to knock the wind right out of me. I just want to be numb, to retreat. I don’t want to experience this.
It’s not like I didn’t see it coming. You were old, you were sick. I remember when I got the call that you fell down.
It was a stroke, they said. And then pneumonia set in. I didn’t process much else after that.
(Another heavy sigh)
I remember that drive to the hospital, not knowing what to expect. So I was numb instead. I didn’t want to shut you out or ignore your struggle. My brain just couldn’t comprehend that I was about to lose you. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sound of your labored breathing. And all of the machines. Those damn machines, keeping you in a place you no longer wanted to be in. You wanted to go. You had been ready for years.
(Voice starts to tremble)
You had been there for me for my first day of life. The very least I could do was to be there for you on your last day of life. You gave me everything. You were my foundation, my rock. What am I supposed to do without you? I feel so lost.
August 3rd, 2014
(Big silence after reading the date. Then the reader sighs heavily, speaking slowly and in a distant, somber tone. Pauses in between each paragraph)
Here it is. The day of your funeral. Even now, things still don’t feel real. Even though I saw you, lying there.
Cold. Foreign. Gone.
(Voice starts trembling)
I’m still numb. I don’t know how long this feeling will last. I’ve cried. I’ve screamed. I’ve ranted. I’ve vented. I even prayed. But nothing will make this hurt go away. So I turned it off, stowed it away to deal with at a later time. However, I don’t know when that time will ever come. Maybe it will just disappear on its own...if I neglect it for long enough.
It was a beautiful service. I think you would have laughed at how somber we all were. You would have just shrugged it off, insisting there were better things to do and that we needed to push ahead. You were very much a “pick yourself up by the bootstraps” kind of person. I loved that about you. But who can I turn to now? How can I move forward without you?
(Reader’s voice becomes clipped and angry)
Even though my heart feels lost and lonely, there’s also a lot of anger. “She’s only your grandma,” my aunt was saying, “You shouldn’t be this sad.” Did she forget you raised me? That you were like a parent to me? It’s not like she ever came to visit. It’s not like she cared enough about you to be there. But we were always together, you and I. You raised me. You took care of me. You were the one person that showed me unconditional love...and now that’s gone. Nothing feels safe anymore. Who am I supposed to turn to now?
(Voice tone returns to distant and somber, lots of spaces)
I took a flower from your casket. I hope you don’t mind. I stored it with the pearl necklace you gave me. I’ll always treasure it. Do you remember how you hated white roses? You always said that it looked like toilet paper. That made me laugh. I made sure to let the florist know we couldn’t have any white roses. We had beautiful pink and yellow ones instead - I know you loved those.
(Heavy sigh, trembling voice)
Goodbye, Nana. I don’t want to say it, but now I have to. I love you.
June 6th 2015
(Voice tone is excited, words coming out in a slight rush)
Well Nana, this is it. Today is the day I start on a new adventure. My husband and I are moving to Virginia! I know we talked about it a lot before you died, but the day is finally here. I can’t tell you how it makes me feel. I’m excited, nervous, and eager to see what this new adventure brings. I was just glad you made it long enough to see the wedding, to see me walk down the aisle. Do you remember Max, my dog? He’s coming along too! I’m a little bit nervous about that part - he hates car rides. And we will be in the car for three days, at least! I’ve never lived outside of Utah. What do you think the east coast will be like? Do you think I’ll like it?
(Reader slows down, sounds a little sad)
Leaving mom was terrible. She put on quite a show. I think she was serious this time when she said our relationship would never be the same. She’s threatened it for so long, but I think this finally pushed her over the edge. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t crushed by it. She seemed so distant. So cold. I know you wouldn’t have done that to me. You always loved and supported me no matter what. Why couldn’t she be more like you? I know she’s struggled ever since you died. She depended on you so much.
(Reader sounds resolved)
But I need to live my own life. To find my own adventure.
(Reader sounds tender, pensive, and loving)
I kept that flower and your pearls for the past year in a safe place. And now I wear them proudly as I leave with Mark and Max. Have you ever driven through this part of the mountains? They’re so beautiful, Nana! You would love how majestic they look. I’m sure going to miss them. I hear Virginia is so green and beautiful. I’m bringing your picture along, so I can show you too.
Not a day has gone by that I don’t think of you. I still carry you so close to my heart. The hurt has lessened a little bit, but everywhere I turn, I still see you. I still miss you.
I love you dearly, Nana.
December 27th, 2016
(Reader sounds distraught, like they have been crying)
I can’t do this anymore.
I don’t know how things turned out so bad. How I got to this point in my life where I don’t even want to live anymore. All I can think about is being with you again. And tonight I tried to be.
The pill bottle is still sitting on the counter, empty. Mark rushed me to the hospital, which surprised me. He isn’t the man we thought he was. Not at all. He changed so much. He’s angry and violent. I just wanted the pain to end.
I’m sitting here in the hospital room with Mark. I haven’t seen him this concerned. He tells me he loves me over and over again, that he doesn’t want me to die. I don’t know if I believe him, though. He’s very good at maintaining appearances. It makes me feel crazy, seeing him be one way in public and another at home. I’m worried about my dog, but not enough to make me want to stay.
I’m not as strong as you, Nana. Not at all. I don’t want to live anymore, not when I’m being assaulted at home and at work. I don’t think I told you about that one, Nana. No one knows. Nowhere feels safe. The crisis worker says I’m bipolar. The word ‘bipolar’ sits heavy, like lead, in my stomach. I don’t want to be like mom. Did you know she hasn’t spoken to me since we moved here?
I feel so alone.
Abandoned
Discarded.
(Reader sounds like they are choking on tears, verge of crying)
I feel like no one cares anymore. I can’t trust anyone.
What is happening to me?
July 21st, 2018
(Reader sounds dejected and defeated, slow speaking)
Well Nana, I’ve officially hit rock bottom. I didn’t think I’d ever get to this point...sitting in a psych ward. I’m terrified and I feel alone. Things are so bad at home. It’s so unsafe. And I just couldn’t take it anymore. Aaron and Justina, my two best friends, are the reason I’m here and I’m so angry at them. Why wouldn’t they just let me go through with it? I just don’t want to hurt anymore. Why is that so much to ask? I’m tired of feeling so volatile and raw. I’m like an exposed nerve.
This environment is terrifying. I’ve never been anywhere like this before… I don’t know what to do, Nana. I know I keep saying that. I’m just looking for a sign from you, from God...or something. I don’t even know what I believe anymore.
(Reader sounds angry, tone is clipped and biting)
I left the church, did you know that? I got tired of Mark using it against me. That led to a lot of issues with Mark - I wasn’t the wife he wanted, that’s for sure. He made that clear. I don’t even think he knows I’m in the psych ward. I doubt he would actually care. Sure, he would go through the motions of the concerned husband, showing everyone how worried he was.
But I knew the truth. No one would believe me though. They never do.
(Reader sighs, returns to dejected and defeated tone)
The doctors and nurses are throwing around so many labels, so many diagnoses. They said on top of the bipolar, there’s something called Borderline Personality Disorder. I don’t even know what that is. I don’t know if I even care anymore. It’s just labels. It’s just another thing to keep people away.
Just another wall.
I just want to be numb. But I’m in so much emotional pain, it’s turning physical. I just want the pain to go away and I want to be left alone. Why won’t anyone just listen and leave me alone? I know if you were here, you would know what to do.
Why did you have to leave me, Nana?
October 7th, 2018
(Reader sounds relieved, slightly breathy and speaking a little fast like they are riding an emotional high)
I did it. I finally left him.
I can’t believe how much it took to get to this point. And there are SO many emotions. Four hospitalizations, several phone calls to Dad and Mom, heart-to-heart sessions with Aaron and Justina...it’s just been a lot. Mark came to visit and gaslit me the entire time. Like he always does.
(Reader sounds sad)
And that’s when I knew...it was never going to get better. He was never going to change.
(Reader sighs, then quickly moves on, returning to the energetic tone)
I didn’t take much - just my clothes, my books, and my instruments. It’s all I have to my name. And you know what? That’s okay for now. I have no idea where this road is going to take me. A lot of mistakes were made - that’s for sure. And I’m scared...REALLY scared. I’m just not sure how to navigate divorce. This is a big, scary thing for me.
(Reader sounds sad, slight pausing in between sentences)
On one level, I feel like a failure. I tried so hard. For five years, I thought if I was better, he would change. Maybe he’d get nicer. But he never did. And I made some truly terrible choices and hurt a lot of people in the process. And for that I am so truly sorry. I don’t know if I can ever make amends with those people, but I’m doing what I can to make things right and to take responsibility. I know you probably know this, Nana, but that’s huge for me. I’ve spent so much time lying to myself and to others. I never let anyone know how bad things had gotten, but people seemed to know anyway. When I told my dad what was going on with Mark, he wasn’t very surprised. (Sarcastic laugh) He had half a mind to fly out and take me home, to get me away from the trauma.
Staying in the trauma center opened my eyes to a lot of things I had willfully ignored. I’m learning about boundaries now, Nana. That’s been huge for me. I also learned about codependency. These concepts are just so new and huge to me, but I’m doing my best to learn.
I hope I’m making you proud, Nana. I never want to let you down. Even though I can’t hear your voice anymore, I try to imagine what you’d say to me - you were always so good with advice.
I’m just going to keep taking a breath and take another step forward. That’s the only thing I know how to do.
June 6th, 2019
(Reader sounds excited, but slightly teary and emotional)
Nana, I’m coming home.
Can you believe it?! Just like when I moved to Virginia, I’m so excited and nervous to come back. I’ve missed everyone so much. And it wasn’t an easy decision to make. Virginia has been my home for four years. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. But when Blaire called and told me Dad had two heart attacks...I knew that was the sign I was looking for. It was time to come back to Utah, despite how at-home I felt here.
(Reader takes a deep breath, then slowly releases it)
It’s time.
(Pause, then returns to speaking slowly, sounding thoughtful and pensive, like they are remembering something)
The goodbyes have been so difficult. I love my students, I love my coworkers. I love the family I made here. I wish I could say I was leaving on the best of terms, but as I continue to navigate my mental illness, things have not been quite as perfect as I’d like. But I did my best and that’s all I can do.
All I can do is keep learning and keep growing.
I’m not sure what going back home will be like. I don’t even know who is still in Utah that I knew. I’m going to be starting my life all over again. New people, new situations, new job...all new. That’s very daunting but I’m so excited.
(Reader’s tone picks up, sounds excited)
Sydney is here with me, Nana! She flew out from Utah so she can drive back with me. I’m so excited - we have never taken a trip like this in our twenty-one years of friendship. This is going to be so good for our friendship. She’s more like a sister, but you already knew that. Do you remember when Sydney and I were younger and we would have sleepovers? And we would play cards until two in the morning, giggling like idiots and drinking copious amounts of Nesquik? (Reader laughs) I still remember what your face looked like when you came into the kitchen to tell us you were sending us to the nuthouse. We couldn’t stop laughing. When I think of Sydney, I think of good times. Maybe we can make more memories when I get settled.
(Reader’s tone returns to thoughtful)
I still think about you every day. I miss you so much, but I’m finally at a point where I can visit those memories and they don’t sting so much. I’m able to remember how your voice sounded without crying. It still hurts sometimes...but I’m able to tell people about you and remember everything so fondly. It makes me so happy. My biggest hope is that you’re still proud of me. I know my life took a lot of turns, turns neither of us expected, but I feel like things are finally getting better.
I just hope you’re still walking beside me.
I hope coming home feels like your embrace - warm and inviting.
(Pause, takes another deep breath and quickly releases it)
Well...here goes nothing. See you soon, Nana.
December 3rd, 2020
(Reader’s tone is calm and at peace, paced reading)
It’s been so long since I last wrote, Nana. SO much has changed. I’m continuing to grow and learn about myself. I’m reconnecting with so many wonderful people, like Brent and Hannah. I’m also meeting a lot of new people and making new, healthier connections.
(Reader sounds tender and loving, very happy and peaceful)
I found someone new, Nana, and I wish you were here to meet him. He’s so wonderful. We’ve been together for eighteen months...I didn’t know relationships could be this good. This secure. This safe. (Reader laughs) I still wonder how in the world I got so lucky. He’s been so supportive and has been through every high and every low with me. Mom and Dad even like him, which always helps!
(Reader’s tone turns more somber, but not sad)
I’ve been owning up to a lot of things. I finally admitted to my eating disorder. I even went to rehab. I’m still getting a lot of help for my Borderline too. I feel like a totally different person. (Pause) I wonder if you’d even recognize me now, Nana. I sometimes don’t even recognize myself, but in a good way. It’s almost surreal.
The world has changed a lot in the last six years, Nana. Knowing you, you’d make the best of it and would roll with the punches. You always did. You were so good at that. I remember when we found out Blaire had autism - you took over with such grace and took care of us so well. I know it made a big difference for Blaire and left a huge impact on me. As I take care of Blaire in your place, I hope I make the right decisions like you did.
Sometimes I imagine what you must be like in heaven. I bet you and grandpa are having so much fun being together again. I wish I could have met him.
I hope you continue dancing and laughing. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you always have been and will continue to be by my side. The thought brings me so much comfort.
(Pause)
I’ll continue living my life to the fullest, standing tall, knowing that I take after you in all the ways that matter. I’ll continue to make you proud.
I’ll talk to you later, Nana. Give Grandpa a big squeeze from me.
(Pause)
I’ll always be your bug. I love you.