LWL01. Communication, “I” Statements
CHECK-IN – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
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SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING – Maximum time 20 minutes
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
Think: Am I communicating my needs and concerns and encouraging others to openly express their needs and concerns in ways that are not controlled by another?
Communication problems are routinely found in family relationships. For many of us, communication can be negative and filled with strong emotions. We are going to learn an effective pattern for communication called “I” Statements that has proven to help build positive relationships. There are seven principles to positive I communications.
Principle 1, Be brief. Resist the urge to bring up too much.
Principle 2, Keep it simple. Be specific and clear. Focus on one thing.
Principle 3, Be positive while communicating what you want. Avoid blaming, name calling and over generalization.
Principle 4, Label your feelings. Describe the emotional impact on you in a calm, nonjudgmental, non-accusatory way.
Principle 5, Offer an understanding statement. Try seeing it from the other person’s point of view. This lets others know that we understand them and care about their feelings. It makes it much easier for them to hear what we are saying without becoming defensive. An understanding statement can help turn the negative “Don’t ever let me catch you yelling at the kids like that again, you bully.” into a positive I statement “I know the kids can be frustrating, please help me set a good example by talking to them calmly.”
Principle 6, Accept partial responsibility. Share a small piece of the problem. By communicating in a way that demonstrates a willingness to share responsibility, others are also more likely to hear what we are saying. “Even though you are not the cause of the problem, you are intimately involved with it and do have an effect on it” (Meyers and Wolfe, 2004, p. 137). Thus, it may make sense, whenever possible, to share a small piece of the problem for things that can go wrong in any loving relationship. We simply need to let others know that we see ourselves as part of the ‘big’ picture. Principle 7, Making a “How can I help?” offer is seen as a non-blaming, supportive act that others are more inclined to respond positively to.
Discuss: What do you notice about the principles of positive communication that might be different from how you have been communicating with others?
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Look for the seven principles of positive communication as you review this sample I statement.
I… (HOW DO YOU FEEL?)…was embarrassed
when you…(DESCRIBE THE BEHAVIOR OR CONDITION)…spoke to me that way in front of my friends.
because… (WHY DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY?)…it made me feel like a child.
I would like… (WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN?)…to discuss this in private next time.
I know… (YOU UNDERSTAND THE OTHER’S POSITION)…talking about these kinds of things can be hard.
Let’s try to… (YOUR WILLINGNESS TO SHARE RESPONSIBILITY.)… set aside a time to talk when we are both feeling better.
(HOW CAN I HELP?)
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COMMIT & BENEFIT
Commitments. This week I will:
· Use the “I Statement Worksheet” to write sample statements and try to use one every day.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.)
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Sometimes we have so many overwhelming feelings, we ‘bottle up’ our emotions. When our “emotional dam” bursts we blurt out things which can cause a breakdown in communication and loss of connection with our loved one. When we use positive I statements we express what we are feeling without being hostile, critical or overly emotional.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.