Reverting to Pre-CRAFT Connect Behaviors
A mother’s journey with her daughter’s substance abuse and mental health disorders.
If you’ve been following these posts, you’ve read plenty about what I’ve learned through CRAFT Connect. However, in spite of the learning and practicing, I can easily revert to “pre-craft behaviors”, the reactionary behaviors that I relied on before building a CRAFT Connect toolkit.
Reverting to pre-CRAFT Connect behaviors tend to happen when:
I am tired. Living with a loved one in treatment or in recovery from substance abuse and mental health disorders is a marathon, not a sprint. It calls for me to be mindful and attentive. Every day. The practices validation and reflective listening, of STOPPING rather than reacting, of taking time to map concerning behaviors, and of writing out PIUS statements so that I am better prepared to respond effectively when come my way….even though these tools become more customary over time, they still take time and attention.
And the rest of my life still goes on. There are the demands of work, running a household, caring for other family members, and maintaining self-care. So, sometimes something comes up with my loved one that catches me at a moment when I’m simply tired.
Rather than calling on CRAFT Connect skills, I can slip back into judgement and reactionary interactions. “How could you do that when we’ve worked so hard to help you?” “Why did you hang out with those people, when you know you have trouble with them?” “Why didn’t you call me when I asked you to?” Those jarring, accusatory, and judgemental questions and actions that I relied on before I found other ways of interaction through CRAFT.
A new stressor enters the picture. I can feel that we have things pretty much in balance, taking things one day at a time and connecting with my loved one in effective ways. And then something new enters. Jobs are lost. Roommate situations create a need for a new place to live. My loved one suffers a physical illness, or twice has needed minor surgery that included pain medication. As I write this, a global pandemic is headed toward a third wave.
With a new stressor, I can lose my balance. Suddenly, it can feel that everything that I practice begins to unravel.
My fear rises up. Even though the CRAFT Connect skills help me practice ways to not act from my fear, sometimes I slip. I give into my fear and I let that drive my reactions. And, that rarely fosters the open communication and effective support that I am committed to with my loved one.
Fortunately, CRAFT Connect skills are very helpful in finding my way back to balance. They provide a way to own up to my unwanted reactions and restore trust and support with my loved one.
The CRAFT Connect principles of “we are all doing the best that we can” and “we have as many tries as we need” create a sense of grace and acceptance. They provide an on-ramp back to open communication and balance. And, for that I am grateful.