First, Change My Own Behavior
A mother’s journey with her daughter’s substance abuse and mental health disorders.
In these posts, I’ve shared frequently how CRAFT Connect has made me aware of how my fear motivates my behavior and reactions. Face it, as a mother, our family situation can scare me. I have hopes, dreams, and desires for my daughter. Behavioral health and addiction issues are not part of those hopes. I see her for her gifts, abilities, potential, the joy that she brings to my life as her mother, and the positive impact she has on the world around her. I want her to be free of the things that hold back her joy and potential. When I see that she isn’t free of those things, that those things lead to harmful choices, and because I know that there could be a day in which these things are so overwhelming that she could die, I am afraid. That fear is real and it is deep.
Daily situations and larger set-backs can trigger that deep fear. CRAFT Connect Family Support has been an important place for me to face that fear, to accept the realities of my daughter’s life. With CRAFT Connect skills I can acknowledge my fear, and accept that acting from my fear is not the best way to support my loved one. In fact, it often leads to non-productive and hurtful ways to “support”. And, I have tools that I can call on to help me act and connect from a place outside of that fear.
CRAFT Connect Behavior Mapping has helped me see how reacting to my daughter from a place of fear can actually reinforce unwanted behaviors. If I have a sense that something is wrong, that she isn’t doing well, my fear makes me want to “pounce” on that sense. I may want to call her, text her, drive by her home to see if she’s where she’s supposed to be. (Believe me, as I type those things, I can see how irrational they are!)
Doing my own work has taught me that it is not my daughter’s responsibility to ease my fear. She is doing the best she can every day. Sure, I may be concerned or I may reach out to let her know that I love her. But my texts “Where are you? Are you okay? What’s going on right now?” are not the behaviors that will bring about the wanted behavior of her opening up to us or reaching out for help.
Through CRAFT Connect behavior work, I understand that in order to create incentive for the wanted behaviors, I have to examine my own behaviors first. What am I doing to create a validating environment? Does my loved one feel that our home is a safe place to share feelings without fear of judgement or condemnation?
With reference to Brene Brown, I am learning to change my behavior so that I show up with my loved one not to make it better, but to be better. CRAFT Connect skills are a means to practicing being better for all of my loved ones.
Keep on practicing.