Taking (or making) Time to Map Behaviors
A mother’s journey with her daughter’s substance abuse and mental health disorders.
One of the things I appreciate about CRAFT Connect is that the only time commitment is the weekly meeting. However, through CRAFT Connect I find that I’m better able to find the time and the confidence to work on my life. While working on your life with a Loved One in recovery can seem overwhelming, CRAFT Connect gives me tools to break the “overwhelmed-ness” down into smaller pieces.
In my first CRAFT Connect group, when we got to the behavior sessions, I suddenly found the content more challenging. But over time, the behavior activities have become the most meaningful tool in my toolbox. Learning to map the behaviors of people in my life has given me new pathways of connecting with them.
That first time through, after the behavior sessions -- All Behavior is Caused and How to Increase Wanted Behavior -- I carved out time on a Saturday morning out to reflect on our situation using these lenses.
The Analyzing Behavior activity has us describe a loved one’s common unwanted behavior that occurs on a fairly regular basis. I started with the big, overwhelming situational things like “she needs help” or “we don’t know how to talk with her about her addiction”. But the activities helped me move to concrete behaviors such as “self-harm” or “asking for input on something that she has already decided to do anyway”. That last one may sound petty, but I realized that this recurring behavior consistently triggers negative interactions between us.
CRAFT Connect Behavior sessions have helped me see how my responses to my daughter’s behavior can actually reinforce unwanted behaviors. For example, I desire that my daughter be able to reach out for help if she has the desire to hurt herself. My daughter may believe that she can’t tell me difficult things because I’ll react negatively. My daughter may ask for my input on something she wants to do (unrelated to self-harm), but in reality she’s already made up her mind. When that happens, I may feel frustrated and even hurt that she wasn’t authentically seeking counsel. So, then I react to her from that place of hurt. I may not even verbalize my hurt, but could clam up or handle the situation in a way that feels negative to her. What has been reinforced in her? “I can’t tell Mom things because she always freaks out.”
The behavior I want is that my daughter is able to reach out for help rather than choosing self-harm or impulsive behaviors like substance abuse. The CRAFT behavior activities are a way that I can think through:
● How am I reacting that reinforces unwanted behaviors?
● What can I do to reinforce wanted behaviors? Or at least not reinforce unwanted ones?
This mapping takes time. It requires me to stop reacting to situations, but stepping away to process what is happening. It takes being very aware of my own fear and how I am triggered. And, it takes staying focused on the larger outcome -- that my loved one feels accepted, supported, and that she grows in recovery -- instead of jumping rashly on the situation of the moment.
Sometimes, I am able to step away and reflect thoughtfully, particularly if it feels that we are stuck. Other times, I only have the time to step in the other room and ground myself before reacting. But the CRAFT Connect tools on understanding behavior are expanding my relationship with my daughter. And, for that I am grateful.