Unwanted Behaviors Hurt
A mother’s journey with her daughter’s substance abuse and mental health disorders.
As I’ve shared before in these posts, our family is a work in progress. CRAFT Connect Family Support groups ground me in that work. And the CRAFT Connect skills provide us skills to create a non-judgemental and loving environment within our family. But our daughter’s behavioral issues and our relationship challenges are not behind us.
Unwanted behaviors happen.
Some of the unwanted behaviors are frustrating, but are manageable. For example, I would like my daughter to linger at the dinner table with us. This has value to me because I think it will be a time of sharing and connecting. Through a CRAFT Connect partner I realized that for someone dealing with eating disorders, lingering at the table may be very difficult.
By working through the CRAFT Connect activities, I’ve been able to refocus that eating together around a table is the wanted behavior. I can show up and be present and lean into it. When my daughter excuses herself immediately after she’s finished eating, it can still hurt. It can still feel too abrupt, and my internal reaction is one of disappointment. The fact is, that is for me an unwanted behavior. But CRAFT Connect skills have helped me focus on the larger outcome, leaving me free to graciously say “Thank you for sharing dinner with us.”
Other unwanted behaviors aren’t so simple. In her life of recovery, my daughter lives with behavioral issues, urges to abuse substances, desires to put treatment behind her and fit into “normal” young adult life. She lives with those things everyday while also finding her path on the normal young adult challenges of school, profession, and meaningful relationships.
We’ve watched as she makes choices that result in behaviors that we don’t want for her. It’s hard. It is painful. As parents, we may say to one another, “I thought that this was behind us”, or “why can’t she see that sober is better for her?”, or “are we not supporting her like we should?”.
As I write this, we are in one of those times. I wish I could share with you how we used some CRAFT Connect skills and it all turned out okay. But we are in the middle of it.
I can share that the CRAFT Connect skills and other things that my husband and I have learned together provide us with practical skills to navigate:
● PIUS and positive communication skills to talk about tough things in ways that are more likely to build a connection with her rather than driving her away.
● Validation skills that give us different ways to talk about what is going on -- validating her reality and efforts, being aware that she has a point of view that is equally valid to ours.
● Accepting that change is cyclical and not linear. And that her growth can come not only in spite of setbacks, but sometimes because of them.
Unwanted behaviors hurt. CRAFT Connect skills help us acknowledge that hurt and help us continue to build a validating environment to support her and our growth as a family.