Learning My Role in My Loved One’s Recovery

A mother’s journey with her daughter’s substance abuse and mental health disorders.

CRAFT seeks to build the positive impact a family can have in helping their loved ones treatment and recovery. Evidence-based research shows that when we as Concerned Significant Others (CSOs) work with our loved one and their treatment professionals, this can lead to an over 50% improvement in their recovery.

However, finding my role in the treatment and recovery of those I love can feel like walking a tightrope. On one hand, in CRAFT Connect I have learned the 3 C’s of Behavioral Disorders, and that my loved one’s recovery isn’t something I can bring about. And, I also know that my active role in recovery creates a “therapeutic alliance”. So, where is the sweet spot?

For me, a breakthrough came the day I realized that I’m not my daughter’s therapist. That sounds crazy, because of course I’m not! But with my loved one visibly struggling, after a rough journey to even get to the point of treatment, and with “residential treatment” feeling so radical, I wanted to know that it was going to work. This need for assurance fueled my energy to learn everything I could about the concepts and diagnosis we were hearing from her treatment. It was as if I could quickly become the expert she needed, especially so that I was ready for her to leave treatment and “take over”.

Through CRAFT Connect Family Support groups, I came to realize that not only would I never become the clinical expert my daughter needs, my real impact was in being just who I am. Her mother. Someone who loves her. Someone committed to being there after treatment and for the entire journey.

I began to accept that while she’ll most likely have many treatment professionals in her life, I am the only one who can be her mom. This gave me permission to let go of a sense of responsibility that I had to get this right for her.

As I lean into the important role of being her mom, I ask “What can I do better than anyone else for her?” Somedays that is simply having a meal ready for her. Others, it is through trying the communication and listening skills that I’ve learned in CRAFT Connect. Mostly, it means being aware of my fear and acknowledging that when I act from that fear, my actions can trigger the very unwanted behaviors that she’s trying to change.

As her mom, I can provide her with a unique perspective as she tries to make sense of things (and when she asks!) As her mom, I can be a constant for her. No matter where she’s at in her life, in treatment or not in treatment, good days and bad days, I’ll be part of her support system.

As her mom, I can have influence in our family system. The value of residential treatment is that individuals can step away from the system that they are living in, set some new ground rules and commitments, and build new skills within the new system of the treatment program.

Families are systems, too. With our daughter in treatment, I became aware of the well-defined rules, roles, and "if this happens, then I do that" patterns in our family. Those roles weren’t verbalized like they are in a treatment community, no posters on the wall or a strict schedule. But they are well-defined nonetheless. Part of the role I have in my loved one’s recovery is to acknowledge ways in which our family system triggers and reinforces the very unwanted behaviors that we are hoping she can change. And, that isn’t limited to her. It is all of us.

It was naive to think that a LO can go to the well-defined world of residential treatment and then suddenly "come home" to a family system that doesn't have some level of intention around support and recovery. CRAFT Connect helped us prepare for that transition. But the most important role I can play in my loved one’s recovery from substance abuse and mental health disorders is to do my own work. And, to engage my family members in changing how our family system works.

It’s not easy. It’s not fast. There are up and down days. CRAFT Connect continues to reinforce practical skills and be a regular touchpoint for me to do this work. My daughter seems to know that we are part of her ground crew. And, as a family, we work to change the things we can, and accept the things that we can’t. Together.