Validate, Don’t Try to Fix
Welcome to the Family Support Group Program.
Here you can download the session PDF below by clicking on the button or continue scrolling to the online version. The videos password is craft.
Session Online Version
CHECK-IN SECTION – Maximum time 20 minutes
Mindful Minute -- take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next minute make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end the minute slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Our Purpose
CRAFT Connects’ Family Support groups are for parents, partners, families and other Concerned Significant Others (CSOs) who have a loved one that is struggling with a substance use or mental health disorder. We know from first-hand experience that loving someone with these challenges can be a difficult, lonely journey. To create a safe place for honest sharing of our lived experience we use appropriate language and behavior. We are empathetic, nonjudgmental, genuine, respectful, steer clear of confrontation and imposing our own solutions. We encourage hope and compassion for all. CRAFT Connect helps to reframe and energize connections between you, your loved one and behavioral health professionals into a “therapeutic alliance” that leads to progress and healing. There is a lot we can learn from one another.
What experience did you have practicing CRAFT Connect principles and skills?
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What did you do to purposefully take care of yourself and show self-compassion?
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LEARN SECTION – Maximum time: 30 minutes
1. Imagine going to the doctor concerned about a health problem you’ve been experiencing. You try to describe your symptoms but don’t feel like the doctor is listening or understanding. You attempt to communicate your concerns more forcefully, and get the sense that the doctor feels you’re overreacting. He then rattles off a list of things you’ve been doing wrong and things he wants you to do differently.
Discuss: How likely would you be to follow the advice and recommendations of a doctor who hadn’t been interested in hearing or understanding your experiences first? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Watch: “It's Not About The Nail” video.
2. Validation improves relationships by showing we are listening and understand. It is especially beneficial if we or our loved one are prone to intense emotions, emotional outbursts or unwanted behaviors. Validation can help to:
· Defuse intense emotions
· Reduce the pressure to prove who is right, to calm power struggles
· Reduce anger
· Decrease unwanted or increase wanted behaviors
· Strengthen your relationship
· Encourage more effective communication
3. Validation means finding the kernel of truth in someone’s perspective of a situation that verifies their facts. It acknowledges that their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are real, make sense, have causes and are understandable to you. It is important to validate the valid, and only the valid, of others experiences, feelings, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts.
4. You can connect with your loved one by using one of these six basic levels of validation:
V1. Pay attention, stay awake -- Look interested, listen, and observe facial expressions, body language and what is happening. Make eye contact. Stay focused. Nod occasionally. Respond with your face. Smile at happy statements; look concerned when you hear something painful.
V2. Reflect back. -- Say back what you heard or observed to be sure you actually understand what the person is saying or doing. Try to really “get” what they feel or think. (Reflective Listening is introduced in the “Effective Communication” session.)
V3. Develop a ‘third ear’. -- Be sensitive to what is not being said or expressed.
V4. Understand. -- Given their past learning and experience, state of mind or body, or current events are they making sense. Remember you probably know more about your loved one than anyone else. Validation is an opportunity to use that knowledge to help them change.
V5. Acknowledge the valid. -- Even if you don’t approve or if you feel their belief is incorrect show that you see the persons thoughts, feelings, or actions are valid, given current reality and the facts. Demonstrate that you understand in words or by your actions.
V6. Be Yourself. -- Be willing to admit mistakes. Give up being defensive. Be careful in giving advice or telling them what to do if you are not asked to do so. Treat the other person as an equal, don’t make them feel like they are fragile or incompetent.
Discuss: Are there levels of validation you are doing? Which levels of validation are you struggling with? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Watch: “Brené Brown video on Empathy” video.
5. Empathy fuels the kind of connection that is core to CRAFT Connect. People in healthy relationships talk with each other, not at each other. People should feel safe telling one another their thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Communication occurs when someone understands you, not just when you speak. As we seek to help ourselves and our loved ones in need, we should try and have an open mind. Don’t disagree, criticize, or try to change the other person’s mind. Empathy is when we listen with sincerity and validate another person’s feeling. Use nonjudgmental non-accusatory language and tone of voice. Many people seem to be naturally empathetic; others are not. The good news is that empathy can be learned. Remember to ask yourself, “What kind of relationship do I want with this person?”
Discuss: How does it feel when people empathize with you, instead of just feeling sorry for you? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
6. When we feel as if our thoughts and feelings are being dismissed, minimized or misunderstood (in-validated) our emotions can become more intense as we try to get others to understand. The good news is that our most effective responses to those in need are usually very simple. The greatest gift we can give people is to show interest in them, ask questions, listen with love, and help them feel safe sharing with us. Regardless of our best intentions, it can be easy to say things that are in-validating when we are trying to help others through difficult times. This should not scare us away from continuing to try and be helpful.
VALIDATING OR IN-VALIDATING ACTIVITY
Step 1: Read the following responses and decide if they are validating or in-validating. Put an "X" in either the “Validating” or “In-validating” box.
“At least you still have. . ."
“This must be really hard. . ."
“Everything happens for a reason. . ."
“Just look on the bright side. . ."
“I can’t imagine what you are going through. . ."
“I’m glad you told me about this. . ."
"You’re manipulating me. . ."
“This too shall pass. . ."
“I’m happy to listen any time. . ."
“It’s all in your head. . ."
“I want to make sure I understand. . ."
“What has this been like for you?"
“This must be hard to talk about. . ."
“You’re interrupting me. . ."
“I know how you feel. . ."
“What do you need right now?"
Step 2: What do the in-validating statements have in common? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: What do the validating statements have in common? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Discuss: Share what you learned from this activity.
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7. Every interaction we have with someone is an opportunity to validate them. Validating others thoughts, feelings or actions does not mean that we like or agree with them. It simply means that we acknowledge them and understand (or are attempting to understand) where they are coming from. When people are in emotional crisis, we frequently jump into problem-solving mode. We think we are responsible for providing the help they need or that we should be an expert on solving other’s problems. We tell people what we think they should do. (Remember the doctor’s office visit story at the start of this session.) While we may have something of value to share, when someone is in a state of high emotion, they are unlikely to be receptive to even the best advice.
PERCENTAGE FIX OR VALIDATE ACTIVITY
Step 1: Describe a recent in person or telephone/email/text interaction with a loved one.
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Step 2: Try to break this interaction into these two percentages that together total 100%.
____% of time you spent trying to fix things?
____% of time you spent validating them?
Step 3: How did your loved one responds to your attempts to validate? Did you…
· Defuse intense emotions?
· Reduce the pressure to prove who is right, to calm power struggles?
· Reduce anger?
· Decrease unwanted or increase wanted behaviors?
· Strengthen your relationship?
· Encourage more effective communication?
· Other responses from your loved one? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Discuss: Share what you learned from this activity with the group.
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8. When we are with our loved ones, we are encouraged to spend 85% of the time validating them and only 15% problem-solving. We need to assume the best of our loved one, acknowledging they are doing the best they can AND that they can do better. Quick validating responses include – “I know”, “What happened?”, “That makes sense”, “Of course” and “Me too!”. Validation also provides appropriate encouragement like “You can do this”, “I believe in you” or “I have faith in our relationship”. Asking your loved one how you can be most helpful to them as part of your validation will help strengthen this connection.
9. Validation is a skill and like any other, it becomes more effective and natural with practice. Everyone can benefit from validation so practice using it with others in low-pressure, low-conflict situations. Completing the “Validation Worksheet” at the end of this session can help you prepare for high-pressure situations with your loved one. Like any other CRAFT Connect skills hoping to use validation in these situations without first practicing extensively in low-pressure situations may set you up for failure.
GROUP SHARING SECTION – Maximum time 30 minutes
10. We will now begin the sharing portion of the meeting. You are invited to share from 3 to 5 minutes about your experience as it relates to your loved one’s recovery, this week’s session or what you are currently working on. Please focus your sharing on potential solutions rather than the problems. We will conclude the sharing five minutes before the end of the meeting. Who would like to begin?
MY COMMITMENTS SECTION – Maximum time 10 minutes
11. Please remember that what has been shared here is confidential and that the opinions expressed are of the individuals who shared them. These are our group commitments, we will start the next CRAFT Connect session by reporting on them. This week I will:
A. Do the in-between session assignments
· Complete the “Validation Worksheet” at the end of this session.
· Practice using a validating statement at least once a day
B. Share what I am learning with my family, friends and community.
C. Show kindness for myself by self-care and self compassion.
As you listen to a song about connection, take a few minutes to quietly think about what you learned in this session. Write your thoughts and personal commitments below.
Watch: TBD video.
What are the most important things I learned?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What will I do differently because of what I learned?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Validation Worksheet
Describe a specific situation where you used validation. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What exactly did you do or say to validate that person? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Circle the type(s) of validation you used.
V1. Paid attention
V2. Accurately reflected back what was said or done
V3. Was sensitive to what was unsaid, emotions and thoughts
V4. Expressed how what the person felt, did, or said made sense given their past learning and experiences. Wherever possible use “normal” functioning as the context.
V5. Acknowledged and acted on what was valid
V6. Acted authentically and as an equal
What was the outcome? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
How did you feel afterward? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Would you say or do something different next time? If so, what? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________