PW06. Relationships Take Work

Aug 13

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Welcome to Self Care: Session 06.

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For easy access to handouts or worksheets referred to in the session, please use the links below, or continue scrolling.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HANDOUT

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Session Digital Version

Entering your name, email address and hitting “Submit” after you complete the session sends a digital file, including all your responses, to you within the hour. Having a record of your thoughts will increase your understanding and help you learn. As you progress through CRAFT Connect you will be able to measure that progress.

Name

First Name

Last Name

1. Cultivating any new skill—playing a musical instrument, learning a foreign language, mastering a sport or game—requires knowledge, diligence and practice. Developing effective relationships is no different. Because you may not think of relationships as something that you need to develop skills for it’s easy to forget that this process is no different than the development of other skills. During this group we have been talking about skills we can all practice to improve our relationships:

• Become a good ‘reflective’ listener • Be understanding and non-judgmental • Be positive in our communication • Be in the moment • Be empathetic

2. Every relationship shifts and develops overtime. No relationship has ever worked without work itself. We don’t commit to a relationship with someone because there are perfect, we commit to them in spite of that fact. We need to be willing to be by someone’s side not only during the bright days but also during the dark ones. We need to encourage others to become the best version of themselves while accepting them as they are today. Successful relationships are established and maintained on principles of faith, forgiveness, love, respect, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities.

Discuss: Think about a healthy relationship you are familiar with that has lasted for years. Is it free from normal disagreements or occasional conflict? How have you witnessed them overcome differences?

3. “If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Listening, guided by love, is one of the greatest gifts we can offer to others. However, if you're like most people, you probably first think about want to get across in the conversation. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you're listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen? Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating. (Steven R. Covey, author).

Discuss: Share an experience when you felt someone really understood you. How did that make you feel about them, yourself and your relationship?

4: Our happiness can be impacted by how we perceive and judge situations and others. We all make judgments of situations and people, including the actions of family members. Having a tolerant and open-minded perspective goes a long way in building relationships. Taking a non-judgmental, thinking error free, attitude and learning that there will be differences in opinion serves the purpose of making relationships safe and trustworthy. If we feel we are understood and will not be judged for making mistakes or being imperfect, we can be our real self and experience much greater fulfillment and growth. (See “Healthy Thinking” session.)

5. Healthy relationships are often based on strong friendship. People respect and trust each other, enjoy spending time with one another, and keep up with what is going on in each other’s lives. They check in with each other and know what makes the other person sad and what makes him or her happy. People who have a strong friendship are also better able to deal with conflicts and stresses that come up in their relationship. Friends support one another and are there for each other. In couple relationships, specifically, friendship is the foundation for building intimacy and connection with your partner.

CSO COMMUNICATION ACTIVITY

Step 1: Think about a relationship that is important to you, one of your Concerned Significant Others (CSOs).

First Name

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Step 2: List as many opportunities as you can think of for communication or interactions with that person during a typical day or week.

Step 3: Indicate if the communication or interaction was positive or negative.

Step 4: How many of opportunities you listed were positive, and why?

How many were negative, and why?

Discuss: Share what you learned from this activity.

6. Long lasting relationships have 5 times as many positive communications as negative ones, and really good happy relationships have 20 positive interactions for every negative interaction. Being positive isn’t always easy, especially when we are dealing with everyday struggles. Although sometimes it may not ‘taste’ good, constructive feedback feeds healthy relationships. It may help you to tap into your blind spots and get a different perspective.

7. When you are with someone, truly be with that person and don’t dwell in the past or worry about the future. While mobile devices are a lifesaver in an emergency, and an effective tool for communication, they also can be a complete distraction in relationships. Research has shown that technology has eroded our ability to build real rapport as we attempt to multi-task by texting and talking at the same time. Spending time doing things together is a key part of building and maintaining a healthy relationship. It is not important what you do but the fact that you are together and share in each other’s interests that is important.

SHARED ACTIVITIES LIST ACTIVITY

Step 1: Think about a relationship that is important to you identified in the earlier activity.

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Step 2: Turn off your internal editor and list as many shared interests or recreational activities as you can think of with that person.

Step 3: What do these have in common?

Step 4: Pair up with another person and share what you wrote.

Discuss: How has sharing interests or recreational activities helped strengthened relationships?

8. Conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of relationships. When conflict is mismanaged, it can harm relationships. But when handled in a respectful and positive way, conflict provides an opportunity for growth, ultimately strengthening the bond between two people. Successful conflict resolution depends on our ability to:

• Manage stress while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication. • Control our emotions and behavior. When you’re in control of your emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening, frightening, or punishing others. • Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others. • Be aware of and respectful of differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you can resolve the problem faster. (Segal, J., Smith, M., Jaffe, J., 2009)

9. Family or domestic violence is very different from disagreements that are part of healthy relationships and everyday life. Family or domestic violence is when someone within a family uses violence or any other form of abuse — psychological, verbal, or sexual —to control or intimidate others. No one is expected to endure abusive behavior. Violence is never okay and it is not the victim's fault if he or she is abused. If you feel you are in immediate danger, or even think that there is a potential of danger, ask for help. The “Domestic Violence Handout” includes helpful a self-assessment and online resources.

Discuss: What are somethings you can do if you are not feeling safe in a relationship?

10. “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” (Maya Angelou, author) Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of others who we may be in conflict with. Having empathy means showing the other person that you understand his or her point of view and that you respect their feelings as being real even if they are different from your own. Empathy is different from sympathy. Empathy is feeling with someone or the ability to understand and share the feeling of another. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone or feelings of pity and sorry for someone’s misfortune.

11. Empathy is a state of perceiving and relating to another person’s feelings and needs without blaming, giving advice, or trying to fix the situation. Some of us are “fixers” who want to fix it so it’s all better, so the other person isn’t hurting anymore. There are many situations that can’t be fixed. Being empathetic doesn’t fix anything, it simply communicates that because of our love and caring we are aware of others pain and really care about them.

Discuss: Can you share an example of when you’ve seen people express sympathy, feeling sorry, when what was really needed was empathy or someone feeling with them? What difference did it make?

Think: Take a few minutes to quietly think about what you learned in this session. Write your thoughts below.

What are the most important things I learned?

What will I do differently because of what I learned?

12. These are our commitments for this week. We will start our next session by reporting on them. This week I will:

• Choose one activity to do this week in a relationship that is important to you. • Have 5 times as many positive connections as negative interactions. • Share what I am learning with my family, friends and community.

Domestic Violence Handout

Risk Assessment

Dyadic Adjustment Scale

www.trieft.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Dyadic-Adjustment-Scale.pdf

Danger Assessment

http://www,ncdsv.org/images/DANGERASSESSMENT.pdf

Conflict Tactics Scale

rzukausk.home.mruni.eu/wp-content/uploads/Conflict-Tactics-Scale.pdf

Need Help?

National Domestic Violence Hotline

https://www.thehotline.org

Call 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Love is Respect National Dating Abuse Helpline

https://www.loveisrespect.org

Call 1-866-331-9474 or TTY 1-866-331-8453

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network’s (RAINN) National Sexual Assault Hotline

https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

Call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence

https://nrcdv.org

John Garbett

PW06. Relationships Take Work

Session Digital Version

Domestic Violence Handout

Risk Assessment

Need Help?

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