LWL05. Don’t Try To Fix
CHECK-IN section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
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SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING section – Maximum time 20 minutes
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
Think: When people are in emotional crisis do we frequently jump into a problem-solving or “fixing” mode when all that may be needed is validation?
Every interaction we have with someone is an opportunity to validate them. Validating others thoughts, feelings or actions does not mean that we like or agree with them. It simply means that we acknowledge them and understand (or are attempting to understand) where they are coming from. We think we are responsible for providing the help they need or that we should be an expert on solving other’s problems. We tell people what we think they should do. While we may have something of value to share, when someone is in a state of high emotion, they are unlikely to be receptive to even the best advice.
We need to find the kernel of truth in someone’s perspective of a situation that verifies their facts. It acknowledges that their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are real, make sense, have causes and are understandable to you. It is important to validate the valid, and only the valid, of others experiences, feelings, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts.
You can connect with others by using one of these six basic levels of validation:
V1. Pay attention, stay awake -- Look interested, listen, and observe facial expressions, body language and what is happening. Make eye contact. Stay focused. Nod occasionally. Respond with your face. Smile at happy statements; look concerned when you hear something painful.
V2. Reflect back. -- Say back what you heard or observed to be sure you actually understand what the person is saying or doing. Try to really “get” what they feel or think. (Reflective Listening is introduced in the “Effective Communication” session.)
V3. Develop a ‘third ear’. -- Be sensitive to what is not being said or expressed.
V4. Understand. -- Given their past learning and experience, state of mind or body, or current events are they making sense. Remember you probably know more about your loved one than anyone else. Validation is an opportunity to use that knowledge to help them change.
V5. Acknowledge the valid. -- Even if you don’t approve or if you feel their belief is incorrect show that you see the persons thoughts, feelings, or actions are valid, given current reality and the facts. Demonstrate that you understand in words or by your actions.
V6. Be Yourself. -- Be willing to admit mistakes. Give up being defensive. Be careful in giving advice or telling them what to do if you are not asked to do so. Treat the other person as an equal, don’t make them feel like they are fragile or incompetent.
Discuss: Are there levels of validation you are doing? Which levels of validation are you struggling with?
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PERCENTAGE FIX OR VALIDATE ACTIVITY
Step 1: Describe a recent in person or telephone/email/text interaction with a family member /CSO.
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Step 2: Try to break this interaction into these two percentages that together total 100%.
____% of time you spent trying to fix things?
____% of time you spent validating them?
Step 3: How did they responds to your attempts to validate? Did you…
· Defuse intense emotions?
· Reduce the pressure to prove who is right, to calm power struggles?
· Reduce anger?
· Decrease unwanted or increase wanted behaviors?
· Strengthen your relationship?
· Encourage more effective communication?
Discuss: Share what you learned from this activity with the group.
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When we are with others, we are encouraged to spend 85% of the time validating them and only 15% problem-solving. We need to assume the best of others, acknowledging they are doing the best they can AND that they can do better. Quick validating responses include – “I know”, “What happened?”, “That makes sense”, “Of course” and “Me too!”. Validation also provides appropriate encouragement like “You can do this”, “I believe in you” or “I have faith in our relationship”. Asking how you can be most helpful to them as part of your validation will help strengthen this connection.
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COMMIT & BENEFIT section
Commitments. This week I will:
· Practice using a validating statement at least once a day
· Complete the “Validation Worksheet” at the end of this session.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.) __________________________________________________________________
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Validation helps defuses intense emotions, reduces the pressure to prove who is right, calms power struggles, reduces anger, decreases unwanted or increase wanted behaviors, strengthen relationship and encourage more effective communication?
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.