Running on Empty
A mother’s journey with her daughter’s substance abuse and mental health disorders.
As I write this, it is the peak of summer and hot where we live. To beat the heat, we are spending the week in the mountain condo of a very generous friend. This has become an annual trip, and one that we last took when our daughter was in residential treatment.
Settling into the armchair the first night, I was flooded with memories of the books I was reading and the phone conversations I had from that same chair last year. We were in early days of learning about our daughter’s diagnosis, beginning to use words and language that was very new to us, and absorbing all that had taken place in the few months leading up to this trip away.
Looking back, I am proud of us for getting away last year. And, even this year, when life is so different, we have made a point to get away. For us, this is an important part of refueling the tank. Living and learning when supporting a loved one with behavioral and substance abuse disorders is exhausting. It demands a sort of “showing up” every day. After days, and weeks, and incidents, the personal and relationship energy tank can be running on empty.
In thinking about this post, I asked my husband to pitch in. In the quiet of this mountain resort, I asked him, “Looking back to last year, what did you do to refuel your tank during the early part of our journey with our daughter?” I so wholeheartedly agree with his responses, that I’m simply sharing them here, mostly in his own words!
Talking with other men and fathers as part of CRAFT Connect. In these conversations, I [husband] was able to learn from and share with people who were experiencing many of the same things and feelings that I was.
Refocusing on our marriage. Ironically, our daughter’s situation brought us closer. In trying to figure out how to support her, we found resources that helped us work on things that had been hard or confusing in our marriage.
Sticking with things that I love. Whether the annual retreat to the mountains, or spending time making our backyard a comfortable place to gather, or getting back into skiing when the season began, these things kept me grounded in what I truly enjoy. They gave me stability and comfort when so many other things felt uncertain and changing.
Making sure I attended. I have mastered “multitasking” as a survival technique. But with our daughter’s situation and the learning around it, I found the best thing to maintain energy was to “attend” when I was needed. Whether for therapy sessions with our daughter, or CRAFT Connect groups, or even for the informal visits as a family, the most important thing for me was to put everything else aside and attend.
My husband’s experience living with a daughter in recovery is different than mine, but his steps to refueling sheds light on how we are traveling together. Being able to intentionally dip into some of these “refueling” actions has helped us develop stamina and energy for the long journey of loving our daughter, and one another.